How to deal with infidelity? (Jovana Hiesmayr)
Marriage is much more than what goes on inside the bedroom
“Our partner is a reflection of ourselves, and every marital dysfunction points to our wounds that are yet to be healed as well as the parts of our soul we haven’t yet discovered…”
Having been dealing with the concept of soul for years she found the answers for many important questions, and through self-development she gained knowledge which she now uses to guide others. Jovana Hiesmayr, a personal development coach, was born in Niš from where she ventured into the world. She has lived in Dubai, Cyprus, Bratislava and Vienna and as a model she has cooperated with the world’s most famous brands. She is a mother of twelve-year old twins and her husband, whose family company is involved in the reconstruction of numerous historical buildings, is a great support to her.
Having attended various trainings, workshops and seminars all over the world Jovana received a certificate in Quantum Transformation, and she has devoted a great deal of attention to the work of British biologist Rupert Sheldrake as well as German doctor and author Ridiger Dalke.
While focusing on herself and healing her wounds she cooperated with the most renowned teachers and therapists, she realized that she wanted to help others. For years she worked with influential clients in show business, as well as politics and economy. During her years in Dubai she worked with the royal family but also with international stars, among which she is at liberty to mention only Hugh Grant.
Jovana took her career to another direction when she met Isidora Bjelica, who was so impressed with her work that she was relentless in her attempts to persuade Jovana to begin presenting her ideas through books, video materials and public appearances. They co-wrote the book “Help, My Friend!” („Upomoć prijateljice”), and during the summer of 2019 Jovana is promoting her book “Marriage, Indfidelity and Enlightenment” („Brak prevara i prosvetljenje“) for which she has received praise from Isidora Bjelica, who said that it is a great book for letting go of destructive emotions.
What are the roles of husband and wife?
How did you come to meet and form a relationship with Isidora Bjelica who is now a great source of support and a close associate?
– We met about ten years ago in Belgrade, we crossed paths at various events, greeted each other at airports, but it was a couple of years ago during an educational seminar in Singapore when our souls recognized each other. It is quite difficult for me to explain how deep our connection and affections run; therefore, I avoid doing so. However, it goes from us simultaneously watching the exact same video while in different countries all the way to telepathy experiments involving the Kozyrev mirror whose results were so accurate that the people from the Moscow Institute were rendered speechless. If you were to ask me whether I knew another person who had helped me during my spiritual journey to such extent, I would honestly say no. Through dual therapy we encouraged each other, sought and found answers to many of our questions and motivated each other using a great deal of dark humor, which to a bystander would appear completely insane.
You are married with children, you lead a harmonious family life, and yet the inspiration for this book is marital infidelity. When it comes to this issue, has your work with clients been your greatest source of information or have you done some additional research after all? What have your sources to this topic unequivocally confirmed? What is the most frequent cause of infidelity and can it be overcome?
– Thank you for this question! Questions such as this one and the general view of a peaceful family life are the very reasons I wrote this book. My clients were a great source of information but so were my friends and my surroundings. I cooperate closely with coaches and sexologists from the region but also with ones from America, San Francisco to be exact. This made it possible for me to use the latest data which was obtained during various experimental studies, mainly abroad. The traditional view of marriage, spousal roles, the purpose of marriage etc. is a major issue. Those who have read the book “Marriage, Infidelity and Enlightenment” could notice that the book talks about infidelity as the final straw in an already troubled marital union. We all view infidelity as one of the worst things that might happen, whereas through my book and work with my clients I take a completely different approach when analyzing infidelity and marriage, which goes far beyond the simple concepts of the guilty and the victim, the one cheating and the one being cheated. My working experience shows that there are no set rules, that the cheater isn’t necessarily a serial one. One must simply choose to be monogamous. Adultery can be overcome if it is discussed openly and honestly. It is only then that the married couple can build a new relationship on the ruins of the old one. Adultery can then serve as a type of aphrodisiac where partners choose to be with each other again and stay together.
What stage of love are you in?
How can we know whether we want or love our partner and why is it important to make that distinction?
– We cannot know this on an intellectual level but we can sense it emotionally and instinctively. We emotionally merge with the person we love and we cross the bridge towards the unknown, secretive and inexplicable. We become one. Desire doesn’t help us cross that invisible bridge which creates the feeling itself within us. An obstacle always exists, not only literal but also figurative, and it cannot be put into words. This is when we wish to woo and fascinate someone. It is important to focus on understanding the relationship we are in rather than worry whether we are in the stage of conquering or in the stage of love. The relationship changes like the moon and the only important thing is to understand the stage in which we are and treat it as such, without judging our partner or reprimanding ourselves.
Does the fate of a marriage, among other things, rest upon what goes on in the bedroom?
– I don’t think it does because marriage is much more than what goes on in the bedroom. There is no guarantee that having a good sex life prevents adultery, nor that the couples whose passion has died out are heading towards divorce.
Among other things the book contains practical tips on how to improve one’s relationship. How would you explain the instructions for reading and using the book, could we assume the role of a coach for us or our partner in those situations?
– The instructions are simple, read the book and underline the sentences or tasks for which you will later try to find an answer. Of course every person can be his or her own coach and I encourage and provide guidelines to my clients and readers on how to help themselves on their own. The answers are always within us, as a coach I simply provide a shorter path; how to quickly and efficiently get from Buenos Aires to Trinidad without a layover in Montevideo. The role of a coach is to reveal a faster route, much like a GPS device.
How to forgive?
Why can’t some forgive adultery?
– We cannot think of forgiveness in black and white terms. The unforgiving people can be those who have had their ego bruised or those who are hypersensitive and whose world came crumbling down. I don’t believe that the willingness to forgive is either a measure of maturity or enlightenment, it has more to do with character and our nervous system. We cannot condemn those who are not ready to forgive. Forcing anyone to forgive is the same as forcing someone to be grateful and it does more harm than good if it doesn’t come naturally.
Can the memories and scars of infidelity fade after the decision to stay together has been made?
– Not only do I see the scars fading away in my clients but also that those women are now much more self-aware, better understanding of their needs and themselves and are looking inwards, having left the endless cycle of feeling like a victim.
Some go into marriage out of love and some out of despair. Does any data exist concerning which couples go through divorce less or more often?
– Desperate couples get divorced less often, just as the deeply dysfunctional ones do as opposed to those for whom love has faded away. The data is frightening, and it varies from continent to continent. 2.2 million couples entered wedlock and nearly 1 million divorces were finalized in Europe last year. The number of weddings in Europe is decreasing every year. The situation is slightly different in America. Even though the divorce rate goes as high as 40-50%, it is dropping according to the research done by the ACS (American Community Survey) all thanks to millennials who delay and carefully consider getting married.
Being too close is not good
What stage ensues when we love our partner without desiring them? How should we understand this?
– This is when the so-called stage of “a peaceful harbor” begins when all is familiar and predictable, one might even say boring. Is it? If we ask ourselves this question and manage to be honest we will realize that there is no safe harbor or a stable relationship, that it is simply easier for us to function in that way on a daily basis. Should we realize that our partner’s gaze can be turned by someone else as soon as tomorrow, the feeling that we want our partner for ourselves alone will hit us like a tidal wave. We are then willing to look our best, to enjoy the day and hence radiate with good energy full of confidence and joy, just to remind them that we are capable of doing the same if we want to.
In your book you state that space can ignite the flame of desire in a relationship. Is that to say that being too close is a bad thing?
– I think that being too close kills the primal need of every human for adventure and novelty – what is already familiar doesn’t inspire. When married, it feels good to have your husband constantly try and woo you, without ever entirely accomplishing that.
One of the issues raised in your book is how well do long-term partners really know one another and what are their most common secrets?
– They never know each other as well as they think they do in the beginning simply due to the changes through which each individual goes in their lifetime. You are not the same person you were when you said your vows fifteen years ago, and neither is your spouse. On the other hand, our circumstances change; we change our place of residence, we have children who eventually leave the nest, we meet someone who sweeps us off our feet etc. Life is very much unpredictable and everything flows. Married couples keep quiet about anything that deviates from the well-rehearsed roles they cling to in a marriage. Anything that might cause disharmony or raise additional questions within their communication is often neglected.
Is there such a thing as a formula for a happy marriage or a precautionary measure for “preventing” infidelity?
– Firstly, we need to define the parameters of a happy marriage, as they may differ on an individual level. Personally, I believe that two individuals who are emotionally mature, spiritually driven and financially independent can form what is considered by societal norms to be a happy marriage. However, for me marriage is much more than a legal contract we enter into, and it represents a spiritual journey through which we learn a great deal about ourselves, our ideas about the world, emotional hardships and unsatisfied needs which have been following us since childhood. Our partner is a reflection of ourselves, and every marital dysfunction points to our wounds that are yet to be healed as well as the parts of our soul we haven’t yet discovered.
Who is the book “Marriage, Infidelity and Enlightenment” intended for?
– I wrote this book for the men and women who wish to improve as individuals, to better understand partnership regardless of their sexual orientation or current emotional state. It is not suited for those who are younger than 12, although I would recommend it to young women so that they can erase their fairytale like notions of marriage, which can be very harmful.
Isidora Bjelica says that this is also a self-help book that can be used to let go of negative emotions. Why should this be done and how difficult is it?
– It is of the utmost importance to recognize and let go of negative emotions because suppressing them leads to depression, suffering and physical ailments. This book is something of a foreword or an initial step leading to a big project on which Isidora and I have been working for a long time, where we deal with the process of releasing negative notions of love. The project is called “Kill Your Inner Princess” („Zadavi princezu u sebi“) and I expect that we will introduce it to the people in Serbia quite soon.