Uncertainty in partnerships
DON’T HOPE FOR A PRINCE OR AN IDEAL WOMAN
Psychotherapist Marko Brakovic writes for BGonline
A frequent topic indeed are children of divorced parents’ and obstacles the divorce may create in their own love life. The absence of a strong family ideal, a good example of a stable nuclear family may make it difficult or even impossible for a person set up a stable and quality family later on in life. Just like most things in life, this too is not as simple as it might seem at first glance. In fact, both my personal and professional experience leads me to a more complex view on this.
Narcissism drives people apart
Many people come to psychotherapy and tell me that they would like to have a marriage like the one their parents had and they often mention how nicely their “grandma and grandpa” used to live. Thereby they refer to the ideal of eternal love and permanent harmony. Failing to accomplish such an ideal draws people into unbearable suffering and pain.
What is the problem here? The problem lies in ignoring the context, social setup, upbringing, as well as the enormous social changes that not only we have been through, but a fair share of the planet as well.
Grandma and grandpa used to live in a world of a limited partner choice, more humane working hours, different economic regulations, different educational norms, outside the third industrial revolution (the Internet and social media) and, most importantly, they lived in a society that nurtured collectivity, not individualism and thus not narcissism either. Owing to a stronger consumerist mentality, we are becoming more and more focused on ourselves, our own needs, important life choices, greater possibilities of meeting new people, and thus new potential partners as well.
No fairytale-like scenarios
Challenges are incomparably bigger and the delight of and the desire for new experiences is growing in strength. Whether this is a good thing or not is not of great significance. The fact is that, today, people find it more difficult to compromise, they do not want to put up with differences, and their tolerance levels drop lower and lower.
What is the solution? To start with, to free oneself from ideals and fairytale-like scenarios. To enjoy with someone while it lasts and not burden oneself too much with distant future, because it is anyway uncertain, regardless of whether we worry about it or not. Being aware of all these facts is also a very important prerequisite for a successful relationship and life too. Nothing makes a person feel so burdened and unhappy as too great of a hope that has never been achieved. Being hopeful can destroy a man. Let us focus on the present and take the most of it , take the most of both ourselves and our partners.
Just think about it, if grandma had had a Facebook account or a mobile phone and kept calling grandpa once every hour, would grandpa have stayed married to her for 50 years? If they hadn’t been focused on getting up early and going to bed early and doing so much work around the house and household, would their marriage have survived? How many of us nowadays even live in the countryside?
I think no one wants that today. All of us feel good about the comfort of modern lifestyle and I think that there is no turning back to the old ways. Hence let us embrace the new facts, focus on “here and now” and start moving step by step towards building a better tomorrow, since fantasizing about and hoping for a prince or an ideal woman is pointless and the comparison to the bygone time makes no sense anymore anyway.
Marko Brakovic (37) graduated from Belgrade University, Faculty of Philosophy, department of Andragogy, as one of the top students in his generation. He finished his post academic education in the field of Constructivist Psychotherapy. He holds psychotherapy sessions at special education clinic ‘’Entera’’. Together with his colleague Milan Radovanovic he runs and coordinates work with groups of young people that have problems mostly connected with adolescent crises. He writes blog and publishes articles in professional magazines on various topics such as promiscuity, premature ejaculation, couples psychotherapy, and chemical and non-chemical addictions.
He is the author and facilitator of the “What women want’’ and ‘’Seduction trough social networks’’ workshops. In the fall of 2014 Marko’s first novel ‘The Facebook predator’’ was published. This erotic psychological thriller received great critics and gained a large number of faithful readers in a short period of time. The second edition will be available soon.