How to regain trust that has been lost?
PREVENT THE LOSS OF LOVE AND SELF-RESPECT
“By re-establishing trust, we regain love. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt that this relationship, once it is established again, becomes stronger than the previous one…”
The creator of Positive psychology Martin Selidgman and his coworker Ed Diener are famous for their long term experiments related to examination of happiness and the feeling of fulfillment in life. It was discovered that all of the people involved in this study had only one common characteristic. At the same time it was deemed as the most important one because it influenced the feeling of happiness more than anything else. It was a STRONG BOND WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND DETERMINATION TO SPENDING TIME WITH THEM.
LOVE IS IMPORTANT, MORE IMPORTANT THAN EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD. Period. In order to love honestly and completely, we need TRUST. That is the second important thing. Partners more often come to me for help when their relationship has suffered in that measure that there isn’t any trust left between the two of them. When you lose trust, you lose love.
When working on re-establishing trust love returns. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt that this relationship, when established once more, is stronger than the previous one. According to J.Gottman, trust in marriage can be described using the following questions: -Will you pay attention when I am upset? -Will I come first for you, before your mother and friends?
-Will you create for our family? -Will you cheat me or be unfaithful? -Will you respect me? -Will you help me educate and raise our children?
Lack of empathy, care and neglecting partner can affect a relationship just as sexual infidelity, gambling or using alcohol or other opiates does. WHY IS TRUST SO IMPORTANT for a relationship between two people? Why does it CREATE SECURITY AND CERTAINTY in relationships?
When we trust our partner we are positive to everything that he or she does, even if our partner’s actions can be questioned.
Some time ago, Marina came to me for help since she started losing trust in her husband. They had a private firm, which he owned, and she was the director or the responsible person. Basically Bogdan had all the power and this was the legal form. And as we live in a country such as it is, and in times such as they are, Marina signed a document that made her responsible in the eyes of the law. A criminal procedure was initiated against her. Up to that moment she never doubted Bogdan’s business and his intentions. When she found herself in a situation in which she was accountable for his actions she started questions herself. She never felt neglected, disrespected or lonely until that moment. But then she started thinking about the things that he does on his journeys and whether he really plays football with his friends twice a week. She started having doubts.
Other people’s influence
She talked with her friends, all of which had negative experiences. One of them had an unfaithful husband, the other was the sole provider for the entire family, and the third one was cheating on her husband… After a while she came to a conclusion that Bogdan was same as all those man, and why should he be any different?
She started to doubt that he was having an affair with his secretary and that bringing criminal charges was the ideal way to keep her away from her marriage, and that she would end up in jail, and they happily married. She found losing trust in him and the thought of divorce more difficult than the possibility of going to jail. She felt as if someone played a trick on her, used her and she felt naïve, in one word STUPID. In that story, when looked from a different perspective, there were no objective indicators of Bogdan’s malicious intentions. But if you are constantly under the influence of your environment together with the views of the people around you everything starts to seem plausible. This went on for a couple of months. Marina was under a great deal of pressure and she even started doubting me. I was the only person who pointed out Bogdan’s qualities, because I considered that to be the only chance of her recovery. If she could regain her trust in him, she would regain her self-esteem. After a couple of months of legal battle, Bogdan accomplished to annul the criminal charges brought against Ana. Time showed that it was just another legal miss.
A long session
In order to show her all of his love he accepted to have a “long session’’. That is one of the ways I work with my partners when they are going trough a crisis. It lasts a couple of hours and we don’t leave the room until we accomplish something or make some sort of arrangement. All they really needed was a small encouragement. Marina regained her trust in Bogdan, and he never lost his trust in her. Of course, LOVE was the foundation here. Not all the work I do with my clients has a happy ending, but many do. This final result was one of the best things I had an influence on trough the course of my career. Things like this are the reason I love my job and enjoy it. Every time I encounter a case that isn’t showing promise and burdens me personally, I remember Marina and Bogdan. And I remember that I simply need to help everybody find love and trust. After that they don’t need anything. And neither do I.
Photo by Sanja Rajković
Ljiljana Jagodić is a clinical psychologist, SI life coach and a hypnotherapist.