WHEN MOMMY AND DADDY DON’T LOVE EACH OTHER, THE CHILD IS THE ONE WHO SUFFERS MOST
During the late 20th century, the families of developing countries took a step into a spiritual and moral crisis, which led to children ‘ruling’ their parents, educators and teachers, says the author of the book ‘Family alphabet’, Professor Milica Novkovic. She offers a solution by removing the causes that led to the interpersonal relationship crisis with a program called “Upbringing without punishments and rewards”. She also says that by removing the reward and punishment, stopping with the overprotective approach, verbalism and abusing emulation as a type of learning, children will go back to their original nature. The problems will then melt – the author of the “ Family alphabet” remarks.
The stick and the carrot – the worst combination
Milica Novkovic advocates upbringing without positive conditioning (without the carrot), but also without negative conditioning (without the stick), without being overly protective about work, order, studying, life, without verbalism (using empty words such as ‘it’s not nice when you…’), and without misusing emulation as a learning mechanism, which is at its peak nowadays due to electronic and written media.
– Positive conditioning of children is the alpha and omega of all the problems that occur during upbringing. When there’s the ‘carrot’ involved – e.g. ‘if you finish your meal, you’ll get something’, an avaricious conscience develops, and with greed comes violence, laziness and unconsciousness – said Milica Novkovic. – Nowadays, it is necessary to help a child develop a conscious mind and love towards the world they live in. ‘The stick and the carrot’ policy develops neither love nor consciousness, but a greedy, lazy, aggressive person.
In her introductory lectures, which Milica has been giving for fifteen years now, she acquaints parents with the consequences of such upbringing on three levels – emotional, mental and physical.
– If parents bribe their children, their innate joy transforms into a joy based on interest, genuine desire turns into greed, which causes suffering of the heart, blood system and small intestine. Not a single parent has reacted negatively to this cognition, and my story is constantly being confirmed by reoccurring family- related issues.
No television until the age of three
We can’t govern our children before the age of three’, parents of small children often complain, adding that their kids have become their poor masters, and they themselves even poorer servants. ‘We couldn’t foreshadow such amount of laziness, greed, aggression, unconsciousness, stubbornness, the amount of insolence and resistance towards learning. We could see something was awfully wrong, but we couldn’t recognize the cause’, you can often hear desperate parents say, but Milica Novkovic and her decades of pedagogical experience have brought a great deal of help.
– It’s never easy to make changes, because parents’ authority is long lost, so children won’t accept the changes the people who’ve raised them wrong are trying to impose. There’s resistance in the family itself, Mommy wants something, Daddy doesn’t, and there’s always those who are against something– grandparents, aunts, sometimes everyone else as well. For that reason, I’ve found a more reliable method of helping the entire family – if they genuinely want to change.
Family workshops are very efficient, and the fact a family come to such a consultation is a clear sign they want change.
In most cases, the entire family visits Milica – Mommy, Daddy, children and whoever else has a serious role in the upbringing.
– These conversations provide them with a much deeper knowledge than can be gained from group lectures. They get concrete instructions, and are obligated to make ‘Family alphabet an important handbook. Even the worst of cases, if the parents don’t give up, are solved quickly, within a year tops.
Until a child is three, they must not sit in front of the TV, insists Milica. After that age, parents are supposed to control the content their child will watch, and the amount of time spent in front of the TV screen.
– I also strongly oppose to a child being fed with the notorious ‘If you finish your meal, you’ll get something’. Staring at the screen while eating is also not permitted. That should be remembered. I don’t ask anything too difficult from parents, the ones who persevere are rare, because Mommy and Daddy usually don’t love each other very much, so the child is neither loved nor a priority.